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Literature Text
I stand on the edge of a new world.
Above me, the threshold of the clean, white world I have always known. Below me, beneath a shimmering black surface—like that of a murky pond—is something…new.
Behind me, the masked one follows; he is still, but I can tell he’s waiting for my crime. As of now, I am no traitor, but the moment I set foot in that forbidden dreamworld, I will be a fugitive.
I have no choice.
I step forward.
With one unsteady step, I enter a new life.
My body changes fluidly, or should I say I enter a new one; I turn back to watch the masked one devour my old body, as he did when I entered limbo, but my portal has disappeared.
I inspect my new body.
It is pale; my limbs have shifted into primitive looking graspers, much less dainty than my hooves once were.
I grow long fur on my head; it is pale like the moon, but not as shiny.
I find something different about my body as well: I am a female. I am not sure how I tell; in this chunky, indelicate form, I can hardly judge that by size. But something within me screams of femininity; so be it.
I look around this world, noticing the sin black trees, punctuated by a staccato dusting of snow.
Ice grows from each branch; at the very end of each limb it forms a teardrop shape, as though the tree is growing fruits of ice.
I catch my first glimpse of this world’s fauna a second later; these eyes are slow, but I catch sight of the skeleton thin, delicate creature sipping at the water of a pond. Most of its face is hidden by a silver mask, but huge, dark eyes show, innocent and clueless.
I find that I am quite hungry.
This body is not as inferior as I thought; I take a single leap and startle the creature. It runs, unfortunately, headfirst into the tree.
I snap its twig-like neck while it’s dazed.
Above me, the threshold of the clean, white world I have always known. Below me, beneath a shimmering black surface—like that of a murky pond—is something…new.
Behind me, the masked one follows; he is still, but I can tell he’s waiting for my crime. As of now, I am no traitor, but the moment I set foot in that forbidden dreamworld, I will be a fugitive.
I have no choice.
I step forward.
With one unsteady step, I enter a new life.
My body changes fluidly, or should I say I enter a new one; I turn back to watch the masked one devour my old body, as he did when I entered limbo, but my portal has disappeared.
I inspect my new body.
It is pale; my limbs have shifted into primitive looking graspers, much less dainty than my hooves once were.
I grow long fur on my head; it is pale like the moon, but not as shiny.
I find something different about my body as well: I am a female. I am not sure how I tell; in this chunky, indelicate form, I can hardly judge that by size. But something within me screams of femininity; so be it.
I look around this world, noticing the sin black trees, punctuated by a staccato dusting of snow.
Ice grows from each branch; at the very end of each limb it forms a teardrop shape, as though the tree is growing fruits of ice.
I catch my first glimpse of this world’s fauna a second later; these eyes are slow, but I catch sight of the skeleton thin, delicate creature sipping at the water of a pond. Most of its face is hidden by a silver mask, but huge, dark eyes show, innocent and clueless.
I find that I am quite hungry.
This body is not as inferior as I thought; I take a single leap and startle the creature. It runs, unfortunately, headfirst into the tree.
I snap its twig-like neck while it’s dazed.
Okay guys. I need all the critiques you can give me, here.
Questions for the reader:
1) Can you get a clear picture of the scenery in your head, or do I need to be more vivid with my word choice?
2) Do you get a good sense of the narrator's personality?
3) Are you intrigued? Would you read more of this if I choose to post more?
4) Did it bore you (were there any parts that dragged)?
5) Did you enjoy the piece? If not, why not? If so, why so?
6) Did the opening sentence draw you in? How could I make it better?
Questions for the reader:
1) Can you get a clear picture of the scenery in your head, or do I need to be more vivid with my word choice?
2) Do you get a good sense of the narrator's personality?
3) Are you intrigued? Would you read more of this if I choose to post more?
4) Did it bore you (were there any parts that dragged)?
5) Did you enjoy the piece? If not, why not? If so, why so?
6) Did the opening sentence draw you in? How could I make it better?
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Comments10
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I like it so far.
The only crit I would have is that that was an odd place to stop. I would have liked it to be longer, it stopped sort of abruptly.
The only crit I would have is that that was an odd place to stop. I would have liked it to be longer, it stopped sort of abruptly.